People often say to me, “Oh my, Alex, that is a nice bike. How did you afford that?” The answer is that I didn’t. Actually, my rubbish old bike was randomly taken from me by college, leaving me with no way to get around town. I saw an opportunity.

From: Alex Bower
To: St John’s College Tutorial Office
Date: 03/10/2012, 10:19
Title: Bike

To whomever it may concern,

I recently spent three hours looking for my bike in the sheds. After three hours of treading on cockroaches and becoming partially submerged in brake oil, I gave up and went to ask at the porters lodge, nursing the rat bite I had received while groping my way round the dark area at the end. I was told that if I couldn’t find it, it had probably been destroyed. Would you be able to confirm that you have, in fact, taken my bike at random and destroyed it?

All the best,

Alex

From: Jane Velley
To: Alex Bower
Date: 03/10/2012 15:52
Title: Re: Bike

Hi Alex,

Yes, our records indicate that your bike has been destroyed. Because many undergraduates leave us every year, we routinely destroy bikes that are left in our sheds over the summer, as it is college property. We were unaware that you did not want your bike to be destroyed as we had no written confirmation from you to that effect. We apologise for any inconvenience this may have caused.

Kind regards,

Jane

From: Alex Bower
To: Jane Velley
Date: 03/10/2012 16:24
Title: Re:Re: Bike

Hi Jane,

I can confirm, as you could have also done via a simple search of the undergraduates database, that I am still here. In spite of my annually mediocre academic performance, college haven’t quite found a way to kick me out yet.

When I was a very small child I stole a watch from someone in my class. It had a camera, which was pretty cool. I found it in my area while I was getting changed after PE. I didn’t want it, but it was in my area so I guess it was up to me what happened to it, really. After spending the day going round school and taking tiny grey scale pictures of people in my class, I was caught. I tried to explain that it had been in my area and that the correct, “don’t steal my watch” forms hadn’t been filed in triplicate before the due deadline. My teacher told me this was largely irrelevant and that if everyone had to file the relevant permissions to not have their stuff taken, then the world would be the wrong side of insane. She also told me that I was going to spend the rest of the week in detention. As a result, when I took the watch off to hand back to the teacher, I threw it on the floor in a fit of rage. When my detentions were upgraded to a suspension and a fine equal to the price of the watch (my parents paid this and then made me pay it back via a series of horrible chores). Strangely, even as an eight year old child, I was still able to recognise that what I had done was wrong. I also paid my parents back for the watch through hours of sweaty labour.

This reminds me that the price of the bike that you destroyed was around £9,000 when I bought it. Although it is listed as blue, this was actually blue paint over solid gold. Gold is quite heavy but let me tell you, it feels great when you know that you are riding to lectures on a solid gold bike, even if no one else does and your thighs burn like a eye full of vindaloo. When can I expect repayment on the bike? If you like, I can provide you with my account details and you can do it right away.

Anyway, I need to go and attend to a cockroach infestation in my house. The man from Rentokil said I must have got their eggs in my shoes when I spent three hours in the shed whilst on the search for my late bike. He also told me that cockroaches are the only creature that can survive a nuclear explosion so we might be in for the long haul.

All the best,

Alex

From: Jane Velley
To: Alex Bower
Date: 04/10/2012 11:14
Title: Re:Re:Re: Bike

Hi Alex,

We will not be refunding the cost of the bike. It is college policy that undergraduates who do not file the correct permissions will have their bikes removed and destroyed. You should have read the undergraduate manual, or the ‘Orange Book’, where all this is written down, along with the rest of the college’s regulations. I also highly doubt that your bike is made of solid gold.

If you have a cockroach infestation in your house, you should inform the maintenance department urgently. Otherwise, please don’t send any more emails on this topic.

Kind regards,

Jane

From: Alex Bower
To: Jane Velley
Date: 04/10/2012 12:52
Title: Re:Re:Re:Re: Bike

Hi Jane,

The Orange Book is very long, and I’m almost completely sure that it doesn’t supersede the law, which is also very long but definitely covers “you can’t just take other people’s stuff and throw it away”. It’s in the middle somewhere, just after the chapter about murder. As a small act of defiance, I have removed some “don’t walk on the grass” signs. I checked in the Orange Book and it definitely didn’t say that I couldn’t do this, and considering you are assuming that the Orange Book is of greater legal importance than the law itself, I’m sure you won’t have any objection to this.

I will admit though that the bike is not made of solid gold. It would be quite impractical. The truth is that it was a very expensive bike, and it had a lot of sentimental value. Once, I built a bike for myself from basic parts with my dad to “bond” or something like that. We toiled over it for hours on end over a period of many months, but when it was done it was something we could both be proud of. That bike broke fairly soon afterwards because neither of us are bike mechanics, but the one that you purged from your shed was the one I bought after that. So it was pretty special to me.

The real value is around £400. Please let me know when you have filed the relevant permissions to pay me (I haven’t yet received the forms entitling you to not do so), and I’ll send you my account details. If you would like, you can add a little extra for the sentimental damage caused. I value this to at least £50.

Also, does college fund taxis to the hospital? The rat bite has gone a little bit green and I don’t really feel I have the strength to walk all the way to the other side of town.

All the best,

Alex

From: Jane Velley
To: Alex Bower
Date: 04/10/2012 14:59
Title: Re:Re:Re:Re:Re: Bike

Alex,

There is no proof that your bike is worth that amount of money. It’s ridiculous. The college cannot justify returning you any money because we cannot justify the expense to the financial department.

In the meantime you must return the signs to college. If you don’t, you will be summoned to the dean for a disciplinary hearing before the end of the week.

College does not fund taxis for that as it is not an academic problem, but there is a bus that goes from outside directly to the hospital.

This is the last email I will send on this matter. Please consider the matter completely resolved.

Jane

From: Alex Bower
To: Jane Velley
Date: 05/10/2012 11:22
Title: Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re: Bike

Hi Jane,

In the spirit of goodwill and friendship, I have returned the signs, and you can probably see them if you look out of your window. Unfortunately, I will never see my precious bike again because we were parted before our time was up. For me, the saddest thing is not the loss of the bike in itself but the fact that I was never able to say my goodbyes to my blue aluminium friend. Every memory I have of my time here will be forever intertwined with that bike, as if my thoughts themselves had etched themselves into the frame like the serial number of a past so fondly gone by. But now, I drift from place to place, and it must seem to all the world that I am inhabiting a waking nightmare. My face is ashen and grey, my body limp and my gait without purpose. Also my head is spinning pretty badly and I keep vomiting.

All the best,

Alex

From: Jane Velley
To: Alex Bower
Date: 05/10/2012 14:03
Title: Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re: Bike

Hi Alex,

I have just learnt that there are actually a few bikes left over in the shed. The porters don’t actually destroy the ones that are valuable. There must have been some kind of mix-up, because if your bike was as valuable as you claim, then it is unusual that it would be destroyed. We accept our mistake, and I am fed up of answering these stupid emails, so if you turn up at the porter’s lodge and tell them your name, they’ll show you a range of bikes, and you can take one if you would like.

Jane

From: Alex Bower
To: Jane Velley
Date: 06/10/2012 12:41
Title: Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re: Bike

Hi Jane,

I‘d like to express my thanks for this. As it turns out, the waking nightmare I appeared to be inhabiting was just a side effect of the poisonous rat bite I had sustained in the bike shed when I was originally looking for the bike, which later turned out to have been destroyed by the porters’ enormous bicycle cartel. It turns out all the vomiting was from the bite had turning septic, a problem exaggerated by the fumes Rentokil were pumping into the kitchen.

I may have overstated the value of my bike, which was alright, but nothing great. This new one, however, weighs nothing at all and I have halved my home-lecture journey time. This has saved me valuable time that could be used drinking alcohol. The difference in value will probably put my kids through college.

Thanks again, and all the best,

Alex

From: Jane Velley
To: Alex Bower
Date: 06/10/2012 14:24
Title: Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re: Bike

Alex,

I am disappointed that you felt you could manipulate college in this way. I will be forwarding this exchange to your tutor who will likely take a dim view of it.

Jane

From: Alex Bower
To: Jane Velley
Date: 06/10/2012 14:26
Title: Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re: Bike

Hi Jane,

In my defence, the Orange Book didn’t say I couldn’t.

Alex