Having lived for a long time at friends’ houses while I was interning, I recently made the decision to look for a house in London with some friends. We found the perfect place. We made an offer. It was approved. We passed all the credit checks. We submitted bank statements and personal details and everything you might ever need to prove you’re a person that exists with a job that exists and pays you real money.

But then, 24 hours before we were due to move, and 48 hours before my new freelance job was due to start, the landlord pulled the plug because he wanted more money. Legally, our rights extend to exactly zilch. So I had to live on my friend’s kitchen floor, miserably, until I found a new place, and he disappeared (along with £8000 of our money).

My nearly-landlord is based in Mumbai and, it seems, is a very nice man. So I assumed he’d be over the moon if he received this:

From: Landlord
To: Aleksandr Vorov (me)
Date: 14/09/2013 13:43
Subject: Order 231-71782

Sir,

There has been a mistake and I have received an invoice (231-71782) for some grain which I did not order. Please cancel this shipment.

Yours,

Landlord

From: Aleksandr Vorov
To: Landlord
Date: 14.09/2013 13:45
Subject: Re:Order 231-71782

Dear Mr. Landlord,

Please, provide bill number along with order number otherwise we will be unable to cancel the delivery.

Kind regards,

Aleksandr Vorov

From: Landlord
To: Aleksandr Vorov
Date: 14/09/2013 13:49
Subject: Re:Re:Order 231-71782

Sir,

There is no bill number on the invoice. Just cancel the order.

Landlord

From: Aleksandr Vorov
To: Landlord
Date: 14.09/2013 13:51
Subject: Re:Re:Re:Order 231-71782

Dear Mr. Landlord,

There is always a bill number on our invoices. It might be in Russian. Without the bill number we are unable to cancel delivery to your address:
XX
XX
XX
Mumbai

Kind regards,

Aleksandr Vorov

From: Landlord
To: Aleksandr Vorov (me)
Date: 14/09/2013 14:08
Subject: Re:Re:Re:Re:Order 231-71782

I do not speak Russian. You must have my details if you have my address. We are playing games here and I am becoming impatient very fast. Cancel the order.

Landlord

From: Aleksandr Vorov
To: Landlord
Date: 14.09/2013 14:34
Subject: Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Order 231-71782

Dear Mr. Landlord,

Thank you for confirming your address. If you could just provide me with the bill number we will be able to proceed with your order.

May I suggest the Russian dictionary or the online classes. It will enrich you in the end. It has always been my belief that education is the key to happiness. That and premium quality wholegrain. With your obvious track record on charity, I can see that after a few short years of education you will be the extremely important man in India.

Kind regards,

Alexandr Vorov

From: Landlord
To: Aleksandr Vorov (me)
Date: 14/09/2013 15:12
Subject: Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Order 231-71782

Stop this playing of games! I do not appreciate such “advice” from a young man who makes his living in a grain office. I am more successful than you will ever be.
As it was quicker for me to just look up the bill number, than suffer your idiocy, it is 2013-981. Now, cancel this order before I take serious action.

Landlord

From: Aleksandr Vorov
To: Landlord
Date: 14/09/2013 16:59
Subject: Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Order 231-71782

Dear Mr. Landlord,

Your order 231-71782 for 32 tons of grain for the 20th day of every month has been verified. It is not possible to cancel at this stage. Please, ensure that payment is possible upon delivery.

Kind regards,

Aleksandr Vorov

From: Landlord
To: Aleksandr Vorov
Date: 14/09/2013 17:21
Subject: Re: Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Order 231-71782

I DID NOT MAKE THIS ORDER. I will not pay for this grain, I did not make those instructions about this sign, and I did not order it in the first place. Therefore you must cancel the order.

Landlord

From: Aleksandr Vorov
To: Landlord
Date: 14/09/2013 18:59
Subject: Re: Re: Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Order 231-71782

Dear Mr. Landlord,

If you order grain then it is extremely offensive in Russian tradition to refuse to accept the grain. There is a Russian proverb which says that “The man who refuses grain, refuses happiness.” It means that if you refuse grain you refuse to be happy.

We have all your details. It is therefore inconceivable that anyone else could have made this order. Just because you have the cold feet does not give you the right to turn down our grain. It is personal embarrassment for me and a great stress for me and my pregnant wife.

Kind regards,

Aleksandr Vorov

From: Landlord
To: Aleksandr Vorov
Date: 15/09/2013 09:11
Subject: Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Order 231-71782

You have no proof that I made this order apart from my details. You do not even have my bank details. You must prove that I made this order, which you will not be able to do as I did not make the order. Stop this idiocy and cancel this bloody grain!

Landlord

From: Aleksandr Vorov
To: Landlord
Date: 15/09/2013 10:00
Subject: Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Order 231-71782

Dear Mr. Landlord,

Under Russian law we are not required to prove that you made the order. It is in fact you that must prove you did not make the order, which you will not be able to do as you did make the order. Look it up in the Russian statute books if you don’t believe me. Think of it as homework for your language classes.

We at Russian Grain are surprised that you no longer wish to help the poor children of Mumbai. I just looked at your place on Google maps and it is obvious that you are the wealthy man. Why would you suddenly change your mind at the last minute? There are going to be some very disappointed poor people in the big city. They probably have nowhere else to go.

Kind regards,
Aleksandr Vorov

From: Landlord
To: Aleksandr Vorov
Date: 15/09/2013 12:28
Subject: Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Order 231-71782

I am tired of this incompetence. I want to speak to your manager, or anyone above you who is competent. In all my dealings I have not ever dealt with anyone as incompetent as yourself. It is not your place to judge my wealth and tell me what I should do with it. Who do you think you are?

From: Aleksandr Vorov
To: Landlord
Date: 16/09/2013 18:57
Subject: Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Order 231-71782

Dear Mr. Landlord,

I think I am the manager. I have explained to you about your rights. Please, make arrangements to pay Russian Grain the required amount of money.
Also, under the Russian tradition, the businesses (us) have a close relationship with the paying clients (you). It is highly rude to refuse such advice. My poor pregnant wife was so offended she nearly fainted. The doctor is concerned that all the stress may induce labour. It strikes me that you find it very easy to offend people.

Your order for 64 tons of grain has now been shipped. Please, pay the delivery officer, and you will not have to suffer my ‘incompetence’ again.

Kind regards,

Aleksandr Vorov

From: Landlord
To: Aleksandr Vorov
Date: 17/09/2013 09:14
Subject: Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Order 231-71782

The mistaken invoice is for 32 tons, not 64 tons. Is there a limit to your incompetence. Stop telling me about your pregnant wife and deal with my problem straight away.

From: Aleksandr Vorov
To: Landlord
Date: 19/09/2013 08:04
Subject: asonablenotice

Dear Mr. Landlord,
Ah, I see the error. We will only deliver 32 tons of grain tomorrow then. Please, accept the apologies of Russian Grain for the misunderstanding.

Kind regards,

Aleksandr Vorov

From: Landlord
To: Aleksandr Vorov
Date: 19/09/2013 09:40
Subject: Re:asonablenotice

I did not order 64 or 32 tons of grain. I ordered no grain. Cancel this order immediately or I will pursue this through the Indian court at great cost to your business.

From: Aleksandr Vorov
To: Landlord
Date: 19/09/2013 09:46
Subject: Re:Re:asonablenotice

Dear Mr. Landlord,

In this case, and at great personal cost, I will cancel your order. You will not hear from us again.

Kind regards,

Aleksandr Vorov

From: Aleksandr Vorov
To: Landlord
Date: 19/09/2013 09:48
Subject: Re:Re:asonablenotice

Actually, we changed our mind at the last minute. Please, ensure someone will be home in the morning to accept and pay for the 64 tons of premium grain.

Kind regards,

Aleksandr Vorov

From: Landlord
To: Aleksandr Vorov
Date: 19/09/2013 10:11
Subject: Re:Re:Re:asonablenotice

I WILL NOT PAY FOR THIS GRAIN. CANCEL THIS ORDER. I CANNOT BE MORE CLEAR

From: Aleksandr Vorov
To: Landlord
Date: 19/09/2013 10:12
Subject: AUTOMATIC AUTO-RESPONSE

We are sorry, VOROV ALEKSANDR is out of the office at the moment for paternity leave. He will return in three days. Any urgent queries will have to wait.