Opposite the grimy, single-glazed window that separates my office from the world there is a team of construction workers drilling. All the time. They don’t even take tea breaks and I’m told that in the construction industry they happen at a rate of about seven an hour. I asked them face to face why they were drilling so much but they didn’t really answer and went on to be rude about my mum, even though, when pressed, they couldn’t even tell me her name. Liars.

 

From: Alex Bower
To: K Construction
Date: 07/04/2014 13:01
Subject: The drilling

Hi,

I’m led to believe you’re running the construction of the site at the corner of Charlotte Street and Howland Street. My office is just across the road and I was wondering if you would be able to help me with a few queries. I tried asking your staff but they weren’t very helpful even though they claimed to be close friends of my mother.

1) Would you be able to give me a rough estimate of when the drilling will stop? For the past three weeks I have arrived at work at around 8.30 in the morning and the sound of the drill has accompanied me right until I leave at around 6. I find myself in a constant state of rage. Earlier today I hurled a box full of drawing pins at my boss because he asked me how my weekend was. At the same time, I’ve been afflicted by a strange form of Stockholm Syndrome where I can now only sleep to the gentle lullaby of a 200 decibel pneumatic drill. I think if I knew there was some light at the end of the tunnel then I could start to have hope and be able to feel something like the joy of love again.

2) If you have to drill until the end of time, are you at least able to vary the speed and volume of the drill? If only to provide some interest for us. At the moment, it sounds like how I imagine being gnawed to death by rats feels. But with a bit of variation, I think you could really turn it into something quite artistic. If you’re interested I could talk to some amateur dubstep producers who make a decent amount of money doing something similar. My fee is competitive.

3) Out of curiosity, what exactly is it you’re drilling? The only three reasonable explanations I can think of for the extent of the current drilling marathon are a) you have found oil b) you are tunnelling to Australia c) your employees have started an unusually profitable bowling ball factory in their downtime. I think all three are reasons to celebrate so if you fancy covering my PTSD treatment or a free trip to Australia via the earth’s core then I’d love to talk details.

Thanks and all the best,

Alex

 

From: K Construction
To: Alex Bower
Date: 08/04/2014 11:09
Subject: Your enquiry

Hi Alex,

Thanks for your email. We have decided that this is not a genuine email and have decided not to respond, although you should note that we have no control over the way our workers work. Please only contact us with queries that aren’t a waste of our time.

Regards,

Janet

 

From: Alex Bower
To: K Construction
Date: 08/04/2014 17:42
Subject: The drilling the drilling

Hi Janet,

It seems to me that you’re also completely in the dark about just how long this drilling has been going on for. Otherwise you would have nothing but sympathy for my plight and you’d be taking me very seriously indeed. According to the internet, there are three great unanswered questions in the world: a) What exactly is the point of Stonehenge? b) Is the Yeti real? c) Why is your construction company doing nothing but drilling when really it’s a construction company and not a drilling company?

Yesterday, there was no drilling. I got very excited, and in a rapture, I stopped shaking. But today it started again. For a moment, I felt something close to joy, as if I was walking slowly into the embrace of an old friend. But then I realised that was the stress medication the doctor had prescribed me kicking in, and five minutes later I was staring into the noisy abyss.

I’ll do you a deal. I won’t write “THE DRILL THE DRILL” over every wall of my house in my own blood if you agree that tomorrow, on Friday, there will be no drilling. You can hammer, you can build, hell; maybe even construct something, but please, just no drilling. Please.

Thanks and all the best,

Alex

 

From: K Construction
To: Alex Bower
Date: 09/04/2014 09:37
Subject: Re: The drilling the drilling

Hi Alex,

We’re still not sure that’s a serious request so we can’t respond to it. Please stop emailing us. We have no control over the way our workers work. However, we can suggest that you invest in some headphones or ear plugs.

Regards,

Janet

 

From: Alex Bower
To: K Construction
Date: 09/04/2014 09:56
Subject: The drilling the drilling all the drilling all the time

Hi Janet,

Thanks for your email. Unfortunately, although I have a job, it pays little more than I need to subsist on stale Shredded Wheat. It’s the Age of Austerity, don’t you know. This means that sadly, I am in no place to buy headphones or ear plugs. If you send me a pair though, I’d be more than happy. Probably even happy enough to stop emailing you.

Thanks and all the best,

Alex

 

From: K Construction
To: Alex Bower
Date: 09/04/2014 16:40
Subject: Re: The drilling the drilling all the drilling all the time

Hi Alex,

There’s a procedure for this, and sadly this would be impossible. We can’t control the way our workers work. If you can’t deal with the noise of the drilling, you’ll just have to get over it.

Regards,

Janet

 

From: Alex Bower
To: K Construction
Date: 09/04/2014 19:35
Subject: The voices

Hi Janet,

I can help with the procedure. Or at least I could if all the voices weren’t screaming in my ear. They’re telling me to do things, Janet. I’m afraid. I just went out and bought Catcher In The Rye and I’m terrified one thing’s going to lead to another. Help me, Janet. JANET!

 

From: K Construction
To: Alex Bower
Date: 10/04/2014 09:07
Subject: Re: The voices

Hi Alex,

We’re blocking you from our email list. We’re not sending you any ear plugs. You are the last person we’ll ever send ear plugs to. I’m going to send a note to the team to drill more loudly.

Janet

 

From: Alex Bower
To: K Construction
Date: 09/04/2014 09:13
Subject: But

I thought you had no control over the way your workers work?

 

From: Delivery Status Notification
To: Alex Bower
Date: 10/04/2014 09:13
Subject: Re: But

The message you tried to deliver to janet@kconstruction.com bounced. Either the email address does not exist or is unable to receive emails at this time. Please try again later or contact the network administrator at 80 Charlotte Street.

 

 

 

NB: Names and email addresses changed (slightly).