The Netherlands is my favourite country and I’ll probably end up living there in the future if it somehow manages to stay above sea level. I’m also very into football and have the misfortune of being English. So I asked the embassy if I could be a Dutch citizen every time there’s a major football competition on because they’re a lot better at it than we are.

The embassy staff seem a little dry over email but I’m sure it’s a tone of voice thing, and face to face they’re absolutely nuts. I’m a little put out by their rejection but in truth it’s them or the Belgians and they have Marouane Fellaini so I’ll probably still be decked in oranje this weekend.

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