I recently moved into a new place. Because I no longer live in London I can afford to live in something larger than a shoebox and I can even afford to buy furniture of my own, as opposed to living amongst the accumulated spooge of the thousands of Londoners that have gone before.

So I ordered a bunch of quirkily named furniture from IKEA. It’s all good furniture except one item, a SKUBBE box priced at €5.99, didn’t come. IKEA deny that they received the order, but my bank says IKEA have received the money.

That story is long and boring, so I won’t tell it. However, I have decided to exact my revenge by working out how many man hours €5.99 plus VAT will cost them in unnecessary customer service (0.6) and therefore endeavoured to waste them exactly €5.99 plus VAT worth of time.

 

From: Alex Bower
To: IKEA Customer Service NL
Date: 11/11/15
Subject: A problem

Hi there,

I recently ordered a chest of TRYSIL drawers from you. I have built it successfully following all the instructions but now everything seems to be 180 degrees the wrong way round. The problem for me now is that the drawers are facing the wall and I can’t get at any of my pants.

I am concerned that I have accidentally ordered the left-handed chest of drawers, despite being right-handed. Would it be possible for you to send me the right-handed version? I am worried about the repercussions of having a chest of drawers facing the wall that I cannot open.

I also ordered a SKUBBE box priced €5.99 and never received it. Could I have it please?

Thanks,

Alex

From: IKEA Customer Service NL
To: Alex Bower
Date: 12/11/15
Subject: Re: A problem

Dear sir Bower,

Thank you for your e-mail on 11-11-2015.

It is hard for us to say what is the problem with your product. There is only one TRYSIL ladekast, there is no left or right-handed version.

There is a possibility that you have just put it the wrong way round. You should try turning it round. If that does not work you could bring it in to the desk at your nearest IKEA and they can help you.

Regarding the SKUBBE box, there is no record on your order number that you ordered this. You can always order this again on our website.

I trust this resolves the matter.

Thanks,

Martina

From: Alex Bower
To: IKEA Customer Service NL
Date: 15/11/15
Subject: Re: Re: A problem

Dear Martina,

Thanks for your help. This was a good idea and for a second I thought I was close to solving my problem.

However it did not solve it, to my disappointment. I turned the drawers round but now it’s just upside down and the drawers are still facing the wall. It’s been a tough time for me because, having only one available pair of underpants, I have to choose between smelling bad despite having been warned repeatedly about this by HR, and putting my washing machine on full blast every night with only one item in. The constant washing is making them weak and I don’t even want to talk about my water bill.

Any more tips? I’m at my wits’ end here.

I also have an email with the order on it for the SKUBBE box you won’t send me even though it is an essentially meaningless bit of plastic with a mark up of over 1000%. Screenshot attached.

Kind regards,

Alex

From: IKEA Customer Service NL
To: Alex Bower
Date: 17/11/15
Subject: Re: Re: Re: A problem

Dear Alex,

I’m sorry that you misunderstood my instructions. I meant that you should rotate it, not flip it. And I’m sorry about your washing machine problem, however it might be easier to just buy some more underpants!

Sadly we cannot accept mail attachments. We have evidence on our server though and that is good enough.

I hope this resolves the matter.

Martina

From: Alex Bower
To: IKEA Customer Service NL
Date: 23/11/15
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: A problem

Hi Martina,

That’s easy for you to say but you still have a job. Having stopped washing my pants everyday for fear of destroying them utterly, I was recently summoned to HR for the last time. Being fired by a room full of people holding their nose was one of the more humiliating experiences of my life.

As I was fired, rather than made redundant, I am not entitled to any severance pay, so am now at a loose end. I tried to sell some of my meagre possessions but unfortunately a left-handed chest of drawers trapped against a wall and a ratty pair of underpants don’t fetch much on the market.

I was wondering if IKEA are hiring anyone for any positions that don’t require me to be within three metres of any other people? I am fairly sure you have a vacancy in the department that checks deliveries are consistent with orders.

Thanks,

Alex

From: IKEA Customer Service NL
To: Alex Bower
Date: 25/11/15
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: A problem

Hi Alex,

Sadly I cannot tell you about this but you should maybe check the recruitment website <www.ikea.com/ms/nl_nl/hr>.

Regarding your situation, I think maybe you are not totally serious but if you bring it in you might be able to return it and if it is faulty we can send a replacement.

I hope this resolves the matter,

Martina

From: Alex Bower
To: IKEA Customer Service NL
Date: 2/12/15
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: A problem

Hi Martina,

That’s reassuring, thanks. I do admit that I exaggerated my living situation slightly in order to increase the jeopardy of the situation and therefore my chances of a reply. It was a tip I got from a self-help book I read recently called “Find Your Zenith: How To Reach Another Level” by late 90s pop sensation Dane Bowers.

However, I have actually just flipped it back and worked out how to access the drawer. As I did this though, I have noticed that there is a massive hole on the top of the chest, coincidentally in the exact shape of the only hammer I own.

The only possible explanation for this is that one of your construction workers got frustrated when they were building it in the factory. I can’t believe I did not notice this earlier. I am happy to bring it in, although I am willing to offer you a deal whereby instead of replacing it you just send me €5.99, or a free SKUBBE box.

Hopefully this resolves the matter.

Thanks,

Alex

From: IKEA Customer Service NL
To: Alex Bower
Date: 3/12/15
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: A problem

Hi Alex,

I have to stop replying to you now. I don’t believe I can help you and I don’t know why you are talking about Dane Bowers. It is obvious that you smashed the drawers yourself and therefore we cannot help you. Please stop wasting our time and resources.

Martina

From: Alex Bower
To: IKEA Customer Service NL
Date: 3/12/15
Subject: Re: solved

Hi Martina,

Thanks for all your help. I have decided that, after spending maybe an hour of my life writing emails to you for the sake of a six euro box, I need to re-assess my priorities.

Maybe I’ll move to Bali and teach people to surf, go on a trip around South America, or become an urban yoga teacher. Anything that feels worthwhile.

You have helped me more than you will ever know.

Thanks,

Alex

From: IKEA Customer Service NL
To: Alex Bower
Date: 4/12/15
Subject: Re: Re: solved

Glad to be of service. I am sorry about your job but maybe it has worked out for the best.

Martina