I was recently barraged with a biblical flood of emails asking me if my company wanted to be on the Inc 500 list for Europe’s fastest growing companies.

The first few I ignored, because I don’t have a company, and even if I did have a company it certainly wouldn’t be one of the fastest growing in Europe because I have the business acumen of a drunk panda with retrograde amnesia.

But, because of a lack of an ‘unsubscribe’ button, they kept coming, and after receiving 16 emails in total I decided to give in and submit an entry.

 

 

From: Alex Bower
To: Inc 500
Date: 20/12/2016 11:48
Subject: A grave concern for my business

Hi there,

After receiving over 15 emails entitled “Don’t miss your chance to be honoured as one of Europe’s fastest growing companies” from you, largely because of the absence of an “unsubscribe” button, I recently applied to your Inc 500 list for fastest growing companies.

On your website, and through your repeated emails, you promised me that my company would belong to the pantheon of business greats that include Microsoft, Timberland and Domino’s Pizza. However, I am a little dismayed that, despite the astronomical growth figures I posted, my business seems to be absent from the list. I’m concerned my application went missing. Could you let me know what went wrong?

Thanks!

Alex

 

From: Julie Bernard
To: Alex Bower
Date: 21/12/2016 15:26
Subject: Re: A grave concern for my business

Hi Alex,

We do not normally offer feedback on individual enquiries. Competition is fierce, and if you have not heard from us, it’s probably because your company did not have the prestige necessary to gain a place in the top 500. Thanks for entering, and best of luck next year.

Kind regards,

Julie

 

From: Alex Bower
To: Julie Bernard
Date: 21/12/2016 15:31
Subject: Re: Re: A grave concern for my business

Hi there,

Thanks for getting back to me. Are you sure you can’t help me out? It’s just you sent me so many emails that I assumed no one had entered, or at least fewer than 500 companies. You also implied my presence on the list would make me the next Bill Gates so I got my hopes up so high that I would feel really let down if nothing happened. The name of my business is “Up The Garden Path” and the sub-line is “Maybe Europe’s fastest growing garden gnome delivery system”. If you don’t remember reading the application, I would assume it has got lost somehow as I’m pretty sure you would remember it.

Thanks,

Alex

 

From: Julie Bernard
To: Alex Bower
Date: 22/12/2016 11:15
Subject: Re: Re: Re: A grave concern for my business

Hi Alex,

No, we have no record of it. Also, I think a gnome delivery system is not the kind of business we would normally have here no matter how fast it’s growing. The businesses on our list tend to be a little more blue chip, like banks and tech companies. Maybe if you have a new business next year you can apply with that one instead.

Kind regards,

Julie

 

From: Alex Bower
To: Julie Bernard
Date: 22/12/2016 11:31
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: A grave concern for my business

Hi Julie,

That’s a shame. I have chosen not to take offence from your disparagement of the noble and historic industry of gnome selling, so I have decided to send you the business plan I originally submitted to the online form in case it matches with your records. Unfortunately my email program is telling me the file is too large so I may have to send it in small instalments. Don’t worry though, it shouldn’t need more than “more than 15”, which is apparently the number of times it is seen as ok to email someone without giving them the option to unsubscribe.

Thanks!

Alex

 

From: Julie Bernard
To: Alex Bower
Date: 22/12/2016 14:52
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: A grave concern for my business

Alex,

That won’t be necessary. Entries are closed. Please do not send us any files.

Kind regards,

Julie

 

From: Alex Bower
To: Julie Bernard
Date: 22/12/2016 14:54
Subject: BUSINESS PLAN – AN INTRO

 

From: Julie Bernard
To: Alex Bower
Date: 22/12/2016 15:01
Subject: Re: BUSINESS PLAN – AN INTRO

Alex,

This is exactly why it wasn’t shortlisted. It looks like a flyer for a local business rather than a credible application.

Please do not contact us again.

Julie

 

From: Alex Bower
To: Julie Bernard
Date: 22/12/2016 15:05
Subject: BUSINESS PLAN PART TWO

From: Julie Bernard
To: Alex Bower
Date: 22/12/2016 15:15
Subject: Re: BUSINESS PLAN – AN INTRO

Alex,

If you are knowingly selling illegal materials we obviously could not accept the application. I’d have sent this to authorities but I’m not sure this is real. I know “Up The Garden Path” means wasting someone’s time. I’m not an idiot. So stop sending this.

Julie

 

From: Alex Bower
To: Julie Bernard
Date: 22/12/2016 15:18
Subject: ONE LAST CHANCE

 

From: Alex Bower
To: Julie Bernard
Date: 22/12/2016 15:47
Subject: Ok, I’ll stop sending you emails you don’t want

As soon as you’ve seen our astronomical growth figures!

 

From: Julie Bernard
To: Alex Bower
Date: 22/12/2016 16:09
Subject: Re: Ok, I’ll stop sending you emails you don’t want

Why are you doing this? Just stop.

 

From: Alex Bower
To: Julie Bernard
Date: 23/12/2016 11:00
Subject: This is just the beginning

 

From: Julie Bernard
To: Alex Bower
Date: 23/12/2016 12:38
Subject: Re: This is just the beginning

Hi Alex,

Ok, I get it. We’ll take your name off the email list. I’ve even spoken to the guys in marketing and they’ve agreed to add an unsubscribe button on future emails. I trust this settles the matter and I never receive another email from you again.

Julie

 

From: Alex Bower
To: Julie Bernard
Date: 23/12/2016 16:58
Subject: Thanks

Hi Julie!

Thanks! Hopefully you will be receiving my application next year with my new company. It’s a company that makes ski suits that look like tuxedos called “Tuxskidos”. It’s not a very good name so if you have any suggestions I’d love to hear them.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Alex

 

From: Julie Bernard
To: Alex Bower
Date: 23/12/2016 17:02
Subject: Re: Thanks

I am blacklisting this email address and your name. You will never, ever be allowed to participate in the Inc 500 list as long as I work here.