When I was a kid I lived for a while next to a church. We lived in this ramshackle old house with a massive garden and I used to spend a lot of time kicking or throwing or hitting balls around with my friend Sam from next door. Sam was Dutch. I have no idea what he and his family were doing in the post-Thatcher mining wasteland of the East Midlands, but that’s a question for another day.

Anyway, from time to time, maybe once a month or so, one of us would accidentally kick the ball over the garden fence and into the church garden. We’d have to go round and ask the reverend for my ball back. He was always really grumpy about it. In fact, he was a very scary man – really unwelcoming. Really unlike what you’d expect from a reverend. He made you feel like Oliver Twist asking for another slop of gruel.

One day – sometime around my seventh birthday, as it happened – it went into his garden again. And we went round and asked him for it back. And he said no. He said he didn’t have the ball.

I mean – we’d seen the ball go in. In fact, you could see it from the side of the door. And he looked us in our seven year old eyes and lied. This man of the church, a man of God, had told a lie to some seven year olds because it annoyed him when their ball went over the fence.

I have never forgotten that. I remember being really sad. I seem to remember being so sad about it that my mum even went round to have a word. But no dice. That ball was gone. History.

This Easter, I was in bed sick and I was thinking about this incident. I found the church’s website. They are extremely conservative. Here is a screenshot I took of one of the pages.

 

 

So imagine my surprise when I saw this exciting offer on another page of the site. (Imagine my surprise too to learn that it’s still the same reverend.)

I decided I would test whether the reverend had stolen my football because he was Saved by Jesus or whether he was just a mean old man.

 

From: Alex Bower
To: Pastor Michael
Date: 01/04/2018 13:15
Subject: 2 questions

Dear Father,

I saw on your website that I could ask you anything. As a former parishioner (I have moved) I would like to ask you some things.

First, and this is a little embarrassing, but I made a small donation to your church many years ago. Around twenty. I was wondering if I could have it back. I know it’s unlikely but at the time I was a different person. I won’t spend it on drugs or anything, don’t worry.

Second, as I’m sure you’re aware, it is Easter Sunday today. I am currently in the process of sending an email, and I wanted to know whether to sign it off with “Happy Easter” or “My thoughts are with you on this tragic day”. The reason I’m unsure is because it feels like a happy occasion due to Easter really being about chocolate (and Jesus a bit, but let’s be honest about the balance of power here), but also because it’s about a man dying. Twice. Normally when people die it’s really sad. When they die twice it’s doubly sad. Hence the confusion.

Any light you can shed on this confusing situation would be very welcomed.

Thanks!

Happy Easter! Or commiserations on this doubly tragic day.

Alex

 

From: Pastor Michael
To: Alex Bower
Date: 01/04/2018 15:01
Subject: Re: 2 questions

Dear Alex,

Thank you for your email. You don’t have to call me Father – but you can just call me Mike if you’d like. Unfortunately we are not in a position to give back donations, however small. I am surprised that you would want to take a donation back from the church. This is most unusual and, really, quite an unfair position to put us in. If you would like to explain more about the nature of your difficulties then maybe I can point you in the direction of one of the local charities.

We traditionally say Happy Easter because for Christians, it is the point of proof that Jesus was the son of God, because this was the day that he rose to heaven. This is something that no ordinary mortal could have done. That’s why Easter proves that God will judge the world in Righteousness. A happy time indeed!

Happy Easter,

Mike

From: Alex Bower
To: Pastor Michael
Date: 01/04/2018 15:24
Subject: Re: Re: 2 questions

Hi Mike,

Thanks so much for your email and advice. You have reminded me of some of your sermons from when I was a kid. I remember you telling us why we receive two chocolate bars from our parents – one in the form of a chocolate bar and one in the form of an egg. Each chocolate bar represents one of Jesus’ lives. The egg represents his rebirth. That’s why everyone eats the chocolate bar first because this is the act of killing Jesus for the first time. Then, when he is reborn inside the egg, we eat that so we kill him again and he can go up to Heaven to prove God’s Righteousness. That’s why many people eat up to five eggs in a single sitting – they are doing the Lord’s work.

On your website you talk about the importance of “glorifying Jesus through holy living” and I think that’s a great way of doing it.

Such a shame about the donation.

Happy Easter again,

Alex

 

From: Pastor Michael
To: Alex Bower
Date: 01/04/2018 16:33
Subject: Re: Re: Re: 2 questions

Dear Alex,

That is not the meaning of Easter at all. I have never said anything like that – you are misremembering. The chocolate thing comes from an update on a pagan tradition from before Jesus came to rescue us. He did not come in an egg or anything like that. I generally encourage our parishioners not to indulge in this as again it is a pagan ritual and stuffing your face with chocolate is neither Godly nor virtuous.

Mike

 

From: Alex Bower
To: Pastor Michael
Date: 01/04/2018 16:58
Subject: What Would Jesus Do?

Hey Mike,

I apologise for the confusion. My memory gets a little foggy. I do remember the main purpose of your sermons was, in a nutshell, the question “What Would Jesus Do?”. For example, I know this is why we do pranks on April 1st, which is of course Easter Sunday this year. I remember very clearly that you gave a sermon once about when he went away for three days and the disciples were like “where is Jesus?!” and they were dead worried but then he came back from the actual dead and everyone was like “woah, he isn’t dead!” And then when he’d had his fun he died properly. If that was me I’d have just ascended to Heaven asap but Jesus thought he’d not only be the Son of God but the Father of Humour as well. That’s the difference between him and me.

I hate to bring this up again but I also feel like Jesus would return my donation. It was so small back then but I imagine if, for example, it were sitting in a tax-free bank account during the halcyon days of Cool Britannia and the accompanying British wealth explosion, it would now really be worth something, and that giving a small part of that back would be quite painless. On your website, it says that “Jesus came to the rescue”. Maybe you could come to the rescue now? You didn’t even ask what it was!

Happy Easter,

Alex

 

From: Pastor Michael
To: Alex Bower
Date: 01/04/2018 17:24
Subject: Re: What Would Jesus Do?

Alex,

That is not the reason behind April Fools’ Day. Again I categorically did not say this. I don’t know how you can remember it like this – maybe you got your wires crossed. I’m not sure why we do this but it is nothing to do with Jesus. Generally, it is not encouraged. This being said, the occasional Whoopee cushion under the seat can be hilarious!

We are not giving back your donation. Jesus is our Saviour for spiritual matters but as far as the day to day matters of today are concerned he would have no experience. It is just too complicated.

Mike

 

From: Alex Bower
To: Pastor Michael
Date: 01/04/2018 17:49
Subject: Re: Re: What Would Jesus Do?

Hi Mike,

That’s a fair call. It reminds me of another one of your sermons. It goes something like this. I’m 98% sure I’m remembering it right from the Bible but let me know.

THE GOOD NEIGHBOUR

Once upon a time (is this how sermons start?) there was a young child. And he and his friend Samuel, who was from a foreign land, would play a game where they would kick the rock at a marking on a nearby tree, which was enormous. But this tree marked the border between the land of the child’s parents and the land of Jesus, who was a carpenter. Sometimes, around once a month, the boys would kick the rock and it would accidentally miss the target on this enormous tree, and roll into Jesus’ land. This would test Jesus’ patience. But Jesus would roll it back, because, let’s face it, nothing was as testing of his patience than the Devil in the desert for forty days or forty nights. And Jesus would go back to his carpentry, or the filing of his tax declarations because even Jesus had to pay tax.

This kept happening, around once a month, and every time the boys would come over and ask for it back. And Jesus would give it back unto them. Sometimes they would even go onto Jesus’ land when he was out to get it.

Until one day, it happened again. And Jesus pocketed the rock. The boys came over and said if they could have the rock back, and Jesus said no, for he was annoyed. Maybe he was still annoyed about the size of his tax bill. And the boys ran home and cried, but Jesus stood firm. That’ll teach them, he said.

The lesson I took from this story was that if you annoy Jesus, it serves you right when he takes your stuff. As you rightly point out on your website: “We have all heard of Jesus, but it is only through what the bible has to say about Him that we can actually know Him”. What do you reckon?

Thanks!

Alex

 

From: Pastor Michael
To: Alex Bower
Date: 01/04/2018 18:41
Subject: Re: Re: Re: What Would Jesus Do?

Alex,

This is not a real sermon or story from the Bible. You are obviously wasting my time and I really have no idea why. I’m not answering any more of your questions.

Mike

 

From: Alex Bower
To: Pastor Michael
Date: 01/04/2018 19:16
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: What Would Jesus Do?

Hi Mike,

But it says on your website that you will. Honestly, I expected members of the church to be there for their flock and hold their promises. Especially to donors like myself!

Kind regards,

Alex

 

From: Pastor Michael
To: Alex Bower
Date: 02/04/2018 07:54
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: What Would Jesus Do?

Alex,

This is not a real sermon, lesson, or even at all mentioned in the bible. I never said anything like this. You are just wasting my time. Jesus would not steal the rocks from any kids because he is our Saviour. It is not a christian thing to do. Even if this had happened this would not be the lesson to learn from this story. Stealing is wrong, even if you are annoyed. Thank you for your correspondence and have a good Bank Holiday Monday.

Regards,

Mike

 

From: Alex Bower
To: Pastor Michael
Date: 02/04/2018 09:11
Subject: Coming Clean

Hi Mike,

Yes – you’re right. It wasn’t from the Bible. It was hypothetical. But the point stands, do you think Jesus would have bought the kids a new rock if they had asked, years later?

Last question, I promise.

Thanks

Alex

 

From: Pastor Michael
To: Alex Bower
Date: 02/04/2018 09:16
Subject: Re: Coming Clean

Alex,

If we must do this, and if answering this will make you stop then I will answer. But Jesus would not have taken the rock. In the instance that he had mistakenly obtained the rock then I suppose he would have made up for it somehow.

Mike

 

From: Alex Bower
To: Pastor Michael
Date: 02/04/2018 09:32
Subject: Re: Re: Coming Clean

Hi Mike,

Thanks for answering. Honestly, it was about you and me. In the parable I am the little boy, my friend Sam was the boy Sam, and I (very kindly) cast Jesus as you. The rocks were footballs as I figured they did not have footballs back in the day. I know that parables are for some reason more effective when they are really old.

Basically, when I was seven you took my football away because I kept kicking it over the fence and I was really sad about it for far, far too long. As you yourself pointed out, this is not what Jesus would have done, and was itself quite an unchristian act. As such, I was wondering if you could buy a new football and drop it round my mum’s house? She still lives in the area and she can give it to me or Sam. One of the nice new Nike ones if possible.

After all, it does say on your website that “Those who are rescued are come unto Jesus so that he may live within them and deliver them from sin.” To me that sounds like delivering a football to my mum would deliver you from sin quite nicely. Her address is [redacted].

Thanks,

Alex

 

From: Pastor Michael
To: Alex Bower
Date: 02/04/2018 09:39
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Coming Clean

Alex,

This is absurd. End of discussion. Good bye.

Mike

 

From: Alex Bower
To: Pastor Michael
Date: 02/04/2018 09:54
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Coming Clean

Hey Mike,

I have one more question to ask re the kind promise you made on your website. Is vengeance ok if it is cathartic in some way or is it always sinful?

Thanks!

Alex